Of All The Stars In The Sky
by Aalina
Summary: This is about all the emotions and things that flew through Sirius Black's head during those long years he spent in Azkaban. Please review and tell me what you think. PG for mild language.


Author's Note: All you that have read my fics know that I have an immense infatuation with Sirius Black. Well, this is going to be about all the emotions and things that flew through his head during those long years he spent in Azkaban. Please review and tell me what you think. This is taking place before his breakout. It's kind of tied in with my story "Strangest Friends." You'll see it when I mention the girl friend and kid and all that. Hint hint, go read it!  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or characters and plots relating. They are by the mastermind J. K. Rowling.  
  
  
Of All The Stars In The Sky  
  
  
Hi. I'm Sirius Black.  
  
Informative, I know.  
  
My name is an odd one. Sirius. The brightest star in the constellation called Canis Major. Black. Well, I'm pretty sure you know about the color black. Evil. Dark. All the bad guys wear black. I suppose that a lot of you out there think that that may fit.   
  
Sirius Black, the smart boy in Hogwarts, but had such a tragic ending. How could such a nice boy with so many friends go so bad?  
  
Ha. Wish you knew half of it.   
  
Have you ever been grounded and you felt like your parents hated you and you never got to do anything and your room was getting really boring and you had nothing to do and then you'd cry and eventually your parents would get sick of it and let you off? Well, wish I were grounded right now.   
  
Barty Crouch is an ass. Thought I'd let that out in the open. He. Is. An. Ass. I hate him. Why? Let's see. One. He put me, an innocent man in prison for turning in my two best friends and my godson to Voldemort. No, not Lord. He's far from God. Two. He. Is. An. Ass. His son, Barty II, was put in jail by his own father. What an ass.   
  
It's raining. Or is it? Is it just the water from the ocean spraying into my room through the window? Must be the ocean because I can see the full moon.   
Full moon.  
  
Fifteen years ago I would be with my friends out on the grounds of Hogwarts. What were we doing? Hanging out with a werewolf. What else? Me, a huge dog. Looked kind of like a Grim. Ha, look at me now. Peter Pettigrew, God I hate him, a rat. Fitting. And James Potter.  
  
Oh, God.  
  
James Potter. My best friend since as long as I can remember. James Potter married to Lily Potter, father of Harry Potter, my godson. James Potter. Time of death. October 31st, 1981. Source. Use of the Killing Curse by Voldemort. Why. Because of me.  
  
Yep. Little old me.  
  
Why me? Well, let me see. Here he is, my best friend. We all knew that Voldemort was searching him for. So, what do we do? The only thing we can think of. The Fidelius Charm.  
  
I hate that charm.  
  
So. They need a Secret Keeper. Who would be better than Sirius Black, James's best friend? Well, sorry, I don't think that's such a good idea.   
  
Oh, how wrong can a guy get?  
  
Well, they tell me, ok, Sirius, we'll use Peter Pettigrew.   
  
God, I hate him.   
  
Then, James pulls me aside and says the one thing that kills me.   
  
"We trust you."  
  
God, James, why? Why did you have to do that? Why did you have to tell me something like that?   
  
"We trust you more than anyone in the world."  
  
Now I'm roped. Of course it's my fault. No, not Peter's. Why did I say Peter? The nasty, no good, downright, scoundrel? God. What I'd do to just kill him. I've thought about it for years now. How would I kill the rat? Every time I do though, I can't help but think of James, and then I think.  
  
It's your entire fault, Sirius Black. If you would never had been their friend, they'd still be alive, watching their son grow.  
  
God. Why me?  
  
Have you ever been in a wedding? I have. I was James's best man. Of course I was. We had decided years before we would be best men at each other weddings. Well, at least half the deal went through. James would always joke about that.  
  
"So, Sirius, where's your wife?"  
  
Well, sorry to break it to you, James, but I never married her.   
  
I don't laugh anymore. Once I laughed right out loud and you know what happened? The Dementors got excited and it seemed like all of them were by my cell, urging for more emotions they could feed off of.   
  
I haven't laughed since.  
  
You know what it's like by a Dementor? All of the worst things that you went through play in your mind. It's terrible.  
  
When my dad died.  
  
When my grandmother died.  
  
When Peter faked his death.  
  
Having to make my fiancé leave me.  
  
Saying goodbye to Harry.  
  
James and Lily dead.  
  
"Sirius, we trust you."  
  
God. I hate myself. Sometimes I go to sleep and think, 'Why not now? Why won't I die?'   
  
Have you heard those statistics about teenage suicide? God, I was so close. What I'd do-  
  
No.  
  
I'm not going to kill myself. In killing myself would give that rat a reason not to be afraid. I hope more than anything in the world that Peter is afraid for his life.   
  
Wormtail.  
  
God. I hate to say that I thought of that name. If only I'd known, I would have...  
  
What would you have done, Sirius? Think real. You tried to boot Peter out numerous times in the beginning. But you stopped you?   
  
James.  
  
James Potter.  
  
Prongs, as I called him quiet often. Prongs, the stag. That didn't fit him to well. James always seemed to be the one with a girl friend. He never went stag to anything. Quite odd. I'd make fun of him for that, josh him around.  
  
Can't do that now, can you, Sirius.  
  
Help.   
  
Know what bugs me? Knowing that that filthy traitor is alive and out there, while here I am, the loyal friend who would have done anything for Peter is in here, literally rotting away.  
  
Know how long my hair is? Past my elbows when my arms hang at my side. How many women would love to have hair that long? Well, I don't. What I'd do for a pair of scissors. Ha, that's funny.  
  
Why? I don't know.  
  
Sirius Black the comedian. Has a ring to it.   
  
Oh, God, someone just screamed. They always do right about now. Bet a Dementor went past. I scream once in awhile, I'm not ashamed to admit. You can't tell me you wouldn't either.  
  
Liar.  
  
Just like Peter.  
  
Have you heard about that biblical story with Jesus and all of his disciples? Well, there were twelve of them. One of them was a turncoat. Judas Iscariot. Sounds like Peter, doesn't he? Well, Judas turned Jesus in to the people who wanted to kill Jesus for thirty pieces of silver.   
  
Wonder how much Peter would have gotten.  
  
Got him far, didn't it. Living a life as a rat.  
  
I hate him.  
  
Kind of ironic that Peter was the good disciple.   
  
Of course, that what we always thought of Peter in the beginning. Poor, poor, Peter. Almost a Squib. That piece of scum would still be in Hogwarts if James, Remus, and I weren't there to help him with his homework.  
  
Sirius. Dog-Star. Black. Color.  
  
Doesn't fit.  
  
Oh, God.  
  
Help me.  
  
"We trust you."  
  
I'M INNOCENT! DOES NO ONE BELIEVE ME?  
  
Guess what. I had a girlfriend. Yep. A girlfriend. Jamie Williams. She was beautiful, perfect; I loved her. But, I haven't seen her for years. You know how much that hurts?   
  
Guess what else. I have a kid. Yep. Don't know the gender, just that I have a kid. That hurts even more. What if it's a boy? I should be playing catch with him in the front yard. Fishing with him on the lake. I bet James and Harry would be with us. And a girl? She'd so be daddy's little girl. I'd spoil her rotten. She'd love Lily; her godmother.  
  
Oh, God. Why? This is just unbearable.  
  
I'm, what? 27? 28? 35? I don't remember anymore. I lost track so long ago. I should be living my life. I'd be married, have a family, a job. I'd have a best friend, godchildren. I'd be able to have human interaction. I'd be able to get a haircut. Sirius the comedian again.  
  
Know what it's like in here? A living hell. No, a living hell times ten.  
  
Maybe even twenty.  
  
Twenty-five even.  
  
Oh, God.  
  
Could even be thirty.  
  
James, why? Why the hell did you listen to me?  
  
"We trust you more than anyone in the world."  
  
God.  
  
Why?  
  
Why the hell me!  
  
I never did anything. I was a good friend. I loved my fiancé. I would have loved my kid more than anything in the world. I-  
  
God.  
  
Sirius, get a grip.  
  
It's raining again.  
  
What a surprise.   
  
I haven't cried in a long time. No, it's not because I'm insensitive. It's because I've accepted my fate. My cruel, evil, unfair, fate.   
  
I WANT TO DIE!  
  
Guess what my fear was when I was growing up.  
  
Come on, humor me.  
  
Please?  
  
Fine. I was afraid that I would end up in Azkaban.  
  
Ha.  
  
Good job, Black, seems it worked.  
  
Padfoot. Woof woof.  
  
"We trust you."  
  
James, are you haunting me? Are you doing this on purpose? Why? Why? You died so long ago. Lily, make him stop! Harry, stop crying! What's going on? Why are you haunting me? I loved the Potters more than anything in the world! Why? Harry, stop crying!  
  
Oh, God.  
  
Know what's a bad word? Accused. Know why? Accused is a guess. It's not a sure thing. I was accused of killing my two best friends.   
  
I DIDN'T!  
  
Gasp.   
  
Think you would have figured it out by now.  
  
You know what I hate? You can scream and scream and scream here and I don't think anyone really notices. Either that or they just don't care. I'd know. I've tried it. The Dementors just think, 'Yes, another sucker. We'll get to suck the soul right out of him now.'  
  
Know what my fear is now?  
  
Are you going to guess?  
  
Didn't think so.  
  
Dementors. I've seen their work. There was a guy right across from me. I don't know what he did. About a year into my sentence something happened to him and they sucked the life out of him. It was horrible. I thought I was going to puke. The man just stood there afterwards. His eyes were hollow, dead. They hardly moved.  
  
God.  
  
Know what color my eyes were? Blue. Dark blue. Have you seen a sapphire? Bingo. Now they're a sick pale gray. I don't think there's a hint of blue left in them.   
  
Know what color Jamie's eyes were? Blue. Just like mine.  
  
Oh, God, what have I done.  
  
"We trust you."  
  
IT WASN'T ME!  
  
James, I'm so sorry. You're my best friend. You know that.  
  
Lily, I'm so beyond sorry. You were so perfect. Always helping me with my homework.  
  
Harry. Oh, God, Harry. You used to call me Siri. You probably don't remember me.  
  
I'm so sorry.  
  
It's raining.  
  
It's pouring.  
  
The old man is snoring.  
  
I used to snore. Now I don't even sleep. I'm afraid they will come and get rid of me. The nightmares. Unbearable.  
  
What I would do to see one of my friends. What I would do to see the sun. Feel its warmth.  
  
Oh, God.  
  
"We trust you more than anyone in the world."  
  
Save me.  
  
SOS, anything.  
  
Know what I dream about? James being alive. Those are the worst one. Then I wake up, half expecting to be in my bed with my fiancé lying next to me. Then we go and visit the Potters. Remus is always there with his girl friend. What was her name? Marcy?   
  
Yeah, that's it.  
  
She was nice.  
  
Not as nice as Jamie.  
  
Oh, God.  
  
Help.  
  
She was a blond. I was always a sucker for blonds.   
  
Peter was blond. Not surprising. Otherwise I would have seen right through him.  
  
Who are you trying to fool, Sirius? Only yourself. It's not working.  
  
She was short. At least a head shorter than me. I didn't mind though. She was so pretty. Her smile.  
  
Oh, God.  
  
What am I going to do?  
  
Her smile. Melt-worthy.   
  
Lord, help.  
  
She had curly hair. Soft curls. I would run my fingers through them and she wouldn't mind. She'd let me. She was so sweet.  
  
I loved her.  
  
Oh, God.  
  
Her lips.   
  
Oh, my God.   
  
I'm not going to live through this, am I?  
  
Snape.  
  
Why the hell am I thinking about him?  
  
Oh, God.  
  
I'm losing my mind. Just like everyone else. About time, Black.   
  
Black. Evil.   
  
No, I'm not evil stop making my think that.  
  
I'M INNOCENT!  
  
Why doesn't anyone believe me?  
  
No one loves me. I know it's true. Who would love a murderer?  
  
My mum? I found out she died soon after I went into Azkaban. Probably of humiliation.  
  
Why is everyone so far away? Come back! It wasn't me! You have to believe me!   
  
Know what. James would believe me.  
  
If he were alive.  
  
I'm a riot.  
  
I hate myself. I don't deserve to live.   
  
IT WASN'T ME!  
  
"We trust you."  
  
Now if only I could trust myself. 


End file.
